The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
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I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.