“The pleasure is all mine”

Omg you’re so selfish

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*calling my sister while leaving the salon in tears*

Sister: What happened? Did they ruin your hair?

Me (between sobs): No, my hair looks great, but my stylist talked to me the ENTIRE TIME


Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*


My wife thinks I’m too impulsive. How the hell would she know? We only met last week!


If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.


I hate running into people I know at the Supermarket.

I’m looking for food, not a reunion.


Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher


When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster


I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.


I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed


If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.