@SnizzleFrizzle

“The pleasure is all mine”

Omg you’re so selfish

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@liv_thatsme

*calling my sister while leaving the salon in tears*

Sister: What happened? Did they ruin your hair?

Me (between sobs): No, my hair looks great, but my stylist talked to me the ENTIRE TIME

@radtoria

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

@ScottyDsntKnow3

My wife thinks I’m too impulsive. How the hell would she know? We only met last week!

@Mom_Overboard

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

@drayzze

I hate running into people I know at the Supermarket.

I’m looking for food, not a reunion.

@bossy_bootz

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

@ToxicProbably

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

@Lisabug74

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

@The_Albinoshrek

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

@roywoodjr

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.