Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
You Might Also Like
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Erm I’m gonna say no
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.