@SnizzleFrizzle

“The pleasure is all mine”

Omg you’re so selfish

You Might Also Like

@stevevsninjas

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

@SuperApple8

In my dreams, my balloons come back down and apologize for leaving me.

@MizzusT

Me: I’m gonna take a shower

Spider in my bathtub: nope

@TweetPotato314

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

@AndrewChamings

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

@PaulyPeligroso

90 years from now, they’ll sing songs about the courage and bravery you displayed during the great “Instagram Selling Your Photos” skirmish.

@girlontapas

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

@kingushbal

girls talk about makeup like it’s a damn weapon, “what eyeshadow is that?” oh its the Mac 35XZ10 pro supreme blend 10 points to Gryffindor

@Ideal_Victoria

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese