“The pleasure is all mine”

Omg you’re so selfish

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Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*


In my dreams, my balloons come back down and apologize for leaving me.


Me: I’m gonna take a shower

Spider in my bathtub: nope


Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?


If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him


90 years from now, they’ll sing songs about the courage and bravery you displayed during the great “Instagram Selling Your Photos” skirmish.


Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.


girls talk about makeup like it’s a damn weapon, “what eyeshadow is that?” oh its the Mac 35XZ10 pro supreme blend 10 points to Gryffindor


Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese