A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
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Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Phonetics
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*