The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
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i wish we could shoplift online
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I’m putting together a team
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
dutch is not a serious language
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.