The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
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Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
True
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.