The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
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I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Somebody call the cops.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]