me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
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[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Bread puns are on the rise!
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot