@OutOfLeftField_

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

You Might Also Like

@RobDenBleyker

Someone please help me with my pope resume, so far all I have is “I look fantastic in large hats.”

@KylePlantEmoji

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

@aRealLiveGhost

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

@Fickle_Filly

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

@daemonic3

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?

@venkaiceprinces

Looks like I’m finally going to meet my twitter crush, don’t know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles

@ManicMouse

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

@DaddyJew

Her: have you had the sex talk with our son yet?

Me: *looks over at son wearing crocs* I think we can wait a few years

@kentgrossarth

Girlfriend: Have you ever been with a fat chick?
Me: Nope, you’re the first one.
Gf: What?
Me: What?