Someone please help me with my pope resume, so far all I have is “I look fantastic in large hats.”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
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ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
i love pizza
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Looks like I’m finally going to meet my twitter crush, don’t know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Her: have you had the sex talk with our son yet?
Me: *looks over at son wearing crocs* I think we can wait a few years
Girlfriend: Have you ever been with a fat chick?
Me: Nope, you’re the first one.