The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

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me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]


On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.


Drunk – When you have to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.


I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.


[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?


Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.


GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep


So far I have determined that two of my kids, the kettle, the cat, the plants and the phone are NOT cake.

Unrelated: my wife is leaving me


Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!