@CheryeDavis

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

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@lasergirl70

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

@Playing_Dad

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

@daemonic3

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

@PimpleEye

It’s not that I don’t like drinking, it’s just I find that my aim when throwing bottles in your face is allot more accurate when I’m sober.

@Okeating

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

@Jam453Lane

They always say to follow your gut, that’s why this is my 11th trip to the fridge for another beer.

@BillyYvonne

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

@BlindVigil

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

@Parentpains

Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.

@markydoodoo

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.