The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

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Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”


“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.


Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.


It’s not that I don’t like drinking, it’s just I find that my aim when throwing bottles in your face is allot more accurate when I’m sober.


I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.


They always say to follow your gut, that’s why this is my 11th trip to the fridge for another beer.


Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke


I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…


Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.


Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.