The police never think its as funny as you do.
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Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.