The police never think its as funny as you do.
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*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
LOL
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager