The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
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My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
choose your fighter
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.