The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
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date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place