@RobDenBleyker

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

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@KraftDinerr

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

@TheWeirdWorld

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

@PondHockeyPro

My mom won’t stop calling the turkey baster “the squirter” and I can’t keep it together.

@smilely_gal

7: “Mama, if someone licked the treadmill, would that someone get sick?”
Me: “Are you the someone?”
7: “Maybe”

Holy hell.

@thenatewolf

*showing mom how to use her phone*

What’s the blue button with the bird?

THAT BUTTON GIVES YOUR BANK INFO TO TERRORISTS NEVER TOUCH IT!!!!

@Ideal_Victoria

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

@SarahhMcCaff

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

@TheToddWilliams

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

@ADHDeanASL

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

@MaryJustice86

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.