*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
The Pope is hardly the first person to lose interest in their real job so soon after joining Twitter.
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WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
M: We need new dishes.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.
how bout i spell YOUR name wrong, Stahrbux. hm? how bout i pronounce it wrong, too, huh? you like that? how’s that feel, Stlerbecks?
If Thomas Jefferson was alive today people would scream “What the hell? You’re almost 300 years old!”
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.