The Pope is hardly the first person to lose interest in their real job so soon after joining Twitter.

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*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*


WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm


ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.


One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone


When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.


how bout i spell YOUR name wrong, Stahrbux. hm? how bout i pronounce it wrong, too, huh? you like that? how’s that feel, Stlerbecks?


If Thomas Jefferson was alive today people would scream “What the hell? You’re almost 300 years old!”


I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.


[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh


“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.