The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
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They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.