The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
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“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.