The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
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Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
But that’s none of my business
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂