@Ciara_Knight

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

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@chilldadpalguy

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

@xLiserx

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

@emmatheist

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

@spiritusloquens

My fortune cookie:

“Like a hair on a bar of soap, you’re likely harmless, but regarded as disgusting and nobody likes you…”

@AnkCoupleTO

Taco Bell wouldn’t be so popular if indoor plumbing didn’t exist

@mommajessiec

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

@DrakeGatsby

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

@lilgapeach30

Did you mean pacific or specific?

Cuz seriously, one is an ocean.