The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
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Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.