The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

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It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.


Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.


(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years


My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.


fidget spinners are whack, when I was in 8th grade we’d shove a spoonful of cinnamon down our throats and try to survive for fun


ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t


I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.



(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)


H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?


Tin Man: I want a heart

Cowardly Lion: I want courage

Scarecrow: and a brain

Me: lemme get uhhhhhh