‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
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Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?