Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
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I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
podcasts
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me