The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
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Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao