@JohnLyonTweets

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

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@iGreenMonk

When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, “No, thanks. I’m vegetarian.”

@ThaJawn

(prostate exam)

Dr: WOW! I’ve never seen this before

Me: OMG! WHAT

*loud click

Me: DID YOU JUST TAKE A SELFIE

Dr:.. And send

Me: WTF?

@Phook75

Forgot to buy a gift for a friends Wedding. Luckily someone died at an intersection nearby so I scored a cool wooden cross and a teddy bear

@MacAnnabella

People that proudly carry their yoga mats around town…

I get it. I carry my Burrito around with that same pride.

@fro_vo

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

@murrman5

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

@Mom_Overboard

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

@capricecrane

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?