@JohnLyonTweets

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

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@ronnui_

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?

@LoveNLunchmeat

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.

@bananainches

Guys, I just got myself a new liquor cabinet!

The salesperson keeps calling it a 3 bedroom house for some reason. but its a liquor cabinet.

@iGreenMonk

She:I’m furious with my son He’s playing Doctor with Neighbor’s daughter

He:Its curiosity about sex

She:Sex? He’s taken her appendix out

@abbycohenwl

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

@RodLacroix

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

@ellewasamistake

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano

king: how would that hel—

advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what

@ksujulie

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”

@ShortSleeveSuit

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

@Phook75

If I were to walk 500 miles and walk 500 more I’d be the man to die from cardiac arrest right at your door