Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
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Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Guys, I just got myself a new liquor cabinet!
The salesperson keeps calling it a 3 bedroom house for some reason. but its a liquor cabinet.
She:I’m furious with my son He’s playing Doctor with Neighbor’s daughter
He:Its curiosity about sex
She:Sex? He’s taken her appendix out
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
If I were to walk 500 miles and walk 500 more I’d be the man to die from cardiac arrest right at your door