The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
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ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Me checking my bank balance online.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave