Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
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I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Inside you there are two wolves
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*