@robfee

The prequel to 16 & Pregnant could be called “15 & Fully Trusted By Her Parents to Make Good Decisions, We Love You Brittani.”

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@bellicosejason

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

@McGrumpenstein

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

@TheBoydP

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

@PlainTravis

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

@McGrumpenstein

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

@KentWGraham

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

@SardonicTart

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

@rohoxbaby

tip: glue a tiny mirror onto your drivers license photo so, when you hand it to the cops, they will get confused & arrest themselves instead