I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
You Might Also Like
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later