[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
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‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Can Happiness buy money?
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends