@Barknado69

[The Price Is Right]

Bob Barker: what do you think the price of this washing machine is

Me:*lips firmly pressed to mic* Right

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@jasonroeder

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

@Divergentmama

Me to my kids: you have to eat right and get good sleep if you want to stay healthy.

Also me: *shouting at 5am* WHO THE HELL ATE MY BREAKFAST PRINGLES??

@thetits

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

@clichedout

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

@LuckoftheDraw86

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

@LeBearGirdle

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

@Beatonm5

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

@hiitsmolly

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

@tiemoose

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake