The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
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“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan