@Mr_Kapowski

“The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead”

– Bedtime at George R.R. Martin’s house

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@ALF_from_TV

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

@david8hughes

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

@ClichedOut

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

@tlcprincess

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

@PleaseBeGneiss

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

@farleftcoast

Text from husband: Where are you at?

Me: Before I tell you let’s talk about ending sentences with prepositions.

@ozzyunc

Hey, Sexy, are you the Pollen Count? Cause I never noticed you back in the day, but now I’m checking you out all the time & you got me all choked up.

@secondofhername

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

@SirEviscerate

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…