My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
“The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead”
– Bedtime at George R.R. Martin’s house
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“discuss your ideas with the person next to you”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Remember: tomorrow is TOPLESS TUESDAY no matter what human resources tells you.
those ads for The Heavy Blanket are all well and good but why does it stop at 25 pounds, where is the blanket that will crush me like a benevolent snake
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
moderator: lol no not even close