NOOO my little brother had his christening today and the reception place confused his name with my weeb sisters gmail name and IM GONNA CRY
“The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead”
– Bedtime at George R.R. Martin’s house
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My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
GI joe is short for gastrointestinal joseph.