Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
“The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead”
– Bedtime at George R.R. Martin’s house
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Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Text from husband: Where are you at?
Me: Before I tell you let’s talk about ending sentences with prepositions.
Hey, Sexy, are you the Pollen Count? Cause I never noticed you back in the day, but now I’m checking you out all the time & you got me all choked up.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…