@Mr_Kapowski

“The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead”

– Bedtime at George R.R. Martin’s house

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@sip_at_home_mom

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

@K49HAS_

“discuss your ideas with the person next to you”

me:

@AndrewNadeau0

His hearts in his throat

His lungs in his knee

His stomachs inside out

Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying

@trevso_electric

Remember: tomorrow is TOPLESS TUESDAY no matter what human resources tells you.

@evilmallelis

those ads for The Heavy Blanket are all well and good but why does it stop at 25 pounds, where is the blanket that will crush me like a benevolent snake

@AndrewsNotFunny

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

@DaddyJew

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

@ThisOneSayz

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

@_thatigirl

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

@TweetsByKaylee

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close