@Mr_Kapowski

“The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead”

– Bedtime at George R.R. Martin’s house

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@iIIustrous

NOOO my little brother had his christening today and the reception place confused his name with my weeb sisters gmail name and IM GONNA CRY

@Dadsaysjokes

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

@Consent2Treat

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

@PaperWash

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

@funflaps

Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall

@Adam14

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

@BeTheCookie

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

@KentWGraham

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?