The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
You Might Also Like
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
sigh
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔