@johnmoe

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

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@Sickayduh

Her: I think you’re getting too into those Hobbit movies
Me: *stops gluing a beard on the baby* what?

@Chalupanati

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

@Dutch_50

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

@Mirimade

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

@3sunzzz

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

@Mom_Overboard

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

@DennisLWeaver

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

@shutupmikeginn

Sea turtles happened when god got stoned one night and wondered what would happen if a frisbee was a lizard.