The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
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Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?