The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

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Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair


Lady at my job stepped out the bathroom stall and went straight to putting her contacts in her eyeballs. We are goners.


me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty


Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer


My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?


The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.


AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something


Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.