The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
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sigh
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo