The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

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I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.


Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.


[inventor of the zoo]

*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*

this has to stop


If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin


All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?


PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*


Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?


Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.


What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?