@TheTweetOfGod

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

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@RexHuppke

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

@Ivsy01

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

@flashember

[inventor of the zoo]

*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*

this has to stop

@LeahTiscione

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

@TheTweetOfGod

All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?

@KrangTNelson

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

@ybbaaabby

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

@SondraDeeMe

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

@HomeProbably

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.