@Andee_Stewart

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

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@maxoupial

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

@jdforshort

If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert

@Dirty_Naomi

I’m going to start rubbing myself up against people when they’ve got nice food. If it works for my cat, it’ll work for me.

@Glennot73

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

@N0pantz

Watch your wedding video backwards. You’ll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave with your friends.

@agasramirez

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

@girlnarly

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

@Kid_topher

In high school, people called me “Superman” due to my light eyes and physical build. Also because I wore my underwear on top of my pants.

@Rockenden

To the first designer to make skirts so tight that a slit had to be added to the back: Good job.

Flip flop guy: Go stand in the corner.