Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
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If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert
I’m going to start rubbing myself up against people when they’ve got nice food. If it works for my cat, it’ll work for me.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
is this your card ?
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
Watch your wedding video backwards. You’ll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave with your friends.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
In high school, people called me “Superman” due to my light eyes and physical build. Also because I wore my underwear on top of my pants.
To the first designer to make skirts so tight that a slit had to be added to the back: Good job.
Flip flop guy: Go stand in the corner.