The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
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From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”