The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
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niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
i now pronounce you bounced.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.