I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
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me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
What number SPF blocks people?
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.