The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
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I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
#Caturday
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”