@daveexplosm

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

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@dave_cactus

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

@StranDadAbroad

I accidentally sent my kids to Mimecraft camp and haven’t heard from them since.

@Marlebean

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

@mattytalks

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

@seamusmckracken

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

@joelu72

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

@TheAlexNevil

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

@thepatrickwalsh

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

@FilthyRichmond

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

@Miss_Firefly_

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.