The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

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Instead of blocking your ex, become such a disaster online that everyone makes fun of your ex for dating you


Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.




This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️


My great grandma started to giggle at a barbecue and when I asked what’s funny she said ” everyone here is alive because I got laid “.


I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.


Chairman: Ok so we’ve decided a group of crows is called a flock?

Creepy Frank: *licking a knife* I’ve got a better idea


Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen


One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes


My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times