When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
You Might Also Like
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
My whole life was a lie.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.