Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
You Might Also Like
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
🙂🙃🥹
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood