“The problem with quotes on the Internet is that they’re not always accurate.”

– Albert Einstein

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If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.


Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.


I’m gonna stop you right there.

– traffic


I bet Egyptians were all like “Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do” and then came the internet.


To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.


its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.


Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.


me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*