@KimDotcom

“The problem with quotes on the Internet is that they’re not always accurate.”

– Albert Einstein

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@Bob_Janke

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

@thedad

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

@ADifGuy

I’m gonna stop you right there.

– traffic

@Dschnoeb

I bet Egyptians were all like “Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do” and then came the internet.

@kimtopher22

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

@riesypiecey

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

@Ooft_Headshot

Toy Story has resulted in me not being able to throw away my childhood toys in case they get depressed and want to kill themselves.

@PhuckedCody

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*