The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

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I often think “Why would anyone live in Gotham? It’s a shithole!”, but then you choose to live in the shithole that is [YOUR CITY NAME].


Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!



COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war


The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.


“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms


Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”


I brought a hot glue gun to the gun range and it was awkward at first, but now we’ve created so many memories.


Every TV commercial right now: “You’re not just a customer, you’re family.”

All of us: “That’s actually worse.”


I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.