I often think “Why would anyone live in Gotham? It’s a shithole!”, but then you choose to live in the shithole that is [YOUR CITY NAME].
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
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Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I brought a hot glue gun to the gun range and it was awkward at first, but now we’ve created so many memories.
Every TV commercial right now: “You’re not just a customer, you’re family.”
All of us: “That’s actually worse.”
sorry i lost my nudes can u send me yours
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.