@JamesCoolie

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

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@Phil_Pagett

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

@thenatewolf

The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar.

“I got that when I fell off the toilet,” I whisper.

@TheFunnyWorId

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?

He pastaway.

Cannoli do so much.

Now hes just a pizza history.

@McNevich

I send thank you cards to people that don’t invite me to their weddings

@pleatedjeans

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

@bigmacher

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

@KKAlThani

*throws a grenade at Bruno Mars’ girlfriend*
*Bruno Mars appears out of nowhere and catches it*
*it explodes and both of them die*

@lloydrang

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%