The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
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On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.