You’ve just made a very lazy enemy my friend.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
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A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
The lights are dimmed. Sexy music plays. She runs her fingers across my scar.
“I got that when I fell off the toilet,” I whisper.
Kudos to dogs for enduring seven 2018s
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?
Cannoli do so much.
Now hes just a pizza history.
I send thank you cards to people that don’t invite me to their weddings
[spiders pour into room]
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
*throws a grenade at Bruno Mars’ girlfriend*
*Bruno Mars appears out of nowhere and catches it*
*it explodes and both of them die*
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%