Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
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Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
relationship goals
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.