the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
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Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
This is enough internet for the day.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
No. YOU-buprofen.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
i love modern commerce
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.