The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.

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Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.


i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh


[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?


if there were a zombie apocalypse i’d save a lot of kids but it would be only because i’d need them later to feed zombies so i can run away


Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.


[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.


Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.


My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.


LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?