I have a CW who can’t input data into a spreadsheet without whispering each number so don’t tell me about your day.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
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Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
8 out of 10 men prefer not to date psychotic women with bad tempers, emotional baggage and daddy issues.
To the other two….
Hi, I’m MJ
GENIE: you have found my lamp, so I must grant you four wishes
ME: I thought it was three?
GENIE: You need four
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts