The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
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Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]