@papasuncle

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

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@garrettbarry70

I have a CW who can’t input data into a spreadsheet without whispering each number so don’t tell me about your day.

@minkpinkustink

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

@RandomlyMJ

8 out of 10 men prefer not to date psychotic women with bad tempers, emotional baggage and daddy issues.

To the other two….

Hi, I’m MJ

@ewfeez

GENIE: you have found my lamp, so I must grant you four wishes
ME: I thought it was three?
GENIE: You need four

@noog

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

@jus4golf

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

@Danny_McH2O

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

@khachapurim

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

@KevinFarzad

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

@david8hughes

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts