@bad_as_you_want

The problem with today’s children is that today’s grown-ups are idiots.

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@kfoagkfoag

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

@Ygrene

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

@Mr_Kapowski

[takes a bow]

Craft Store Employee: Hey you have to pay for that

@Ygrene

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

@dafloydsta

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

@secondofhername

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

@EndhooS

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

@fourlocohen

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

@DaddyJew

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still says “righty tighty lefty loosy” before turning anything