The problem with today’s children is that today’s grown-ups are idiots.

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*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!


Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”


[takes a bow]

Craft Store Employee: Hey you have to pay for that


[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*


WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen


You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.


“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.


*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*


I talk a lot of shit for someone who still says “righty tighty lefty loosy” before turning anything