DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
The problem with today’s children is that today’s grown-ups are idiots.
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*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
“Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we’re giving you up for adoption.”
If I set a cheese trap, I’d probably fall for it before the mouse.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Does this mask make my face look funny?
*husband slowly backs out of the room
A nation cheers as Bigfoot is finally found. “We just yelled his name,” said the head explorer. “Can’t believe no one thought of that.”
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?