The problem with today’s children is that today’s grown-ups are idiots.

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DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.


*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*


Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.


“Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we’re giving you up for adoption.”


If I set a cheese trap, I’d probably fall for it before the mouse.


If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter


Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.


Does this mask make my face look funny?

*husband slowly backs out of the room


A nation cheers as Bigfoot is finally found. “We just yelled his name,” said the head explorer. “Can’t believe no one thought of that.”


I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?