*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
The problem with today’s children is that today’s grown-ups are idiots.
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Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
[takes a bow]
Craft Store Employee: Hey you have to pay for that
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still says “righty tighty lefty loosy” before turning anything