@kyry5

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

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@UncleDuke1969

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

@shutupmikeginn

Advantage of seeing a goose: you just saw something interesting my friend.

Disadvantage: next goose experience less meaningful

@TheGladStork

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

@caithuls

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

@dubstep4dads

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

@caliluvgirl77

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

@Jake_Sniff

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan