It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
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A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro