The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
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Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
awesome draft from months ago i just found