The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
You Might Also Like
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”