The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
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My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor